We all know Suho. Some of us (me, suho_ftw *cough cough*) love him! And some of us are religious….
Religious??? Suho_ftw, what ever do you mean?
Well because of the whole CL MTBD people-posing as Muslims thing, I thought it would be good to just dump all other religions and start my own. Screw all of the mainstream Christians, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and Scientologist, worshiping your own is the way to go! I like Suho for many reasons, an ultimate favorite idol of mine and also extremely hawt. But he's also much more than that… he is a GOD.
In fact, you could say he is the GOD.
I have the true facts right before my eyes as I'm typing this Suho is standing right above my shoulder making sure I get every little detail right about this. He likes absolute accuracy and trusted me to be the fan to make this post. He really is the best.
About an hour ago I woke up to something feeling wetish on my face, at first I assumed it was cold sweats. Until I saw a bright, cool blue beam glow behind my closed eyelids.
I slowly opened them up, expecting to see some sort of alien planning to take me on his ship I see this figure hovering above me:
My first thought: Su…Suho????
Second thought: Dayum he's even hotter in person!
Third thought: SUHO!!!!!!
I jumped out of bed sitting straight up, nearly busting my as from almost falling to the floor. But Suho grabbed me and sat me back down, he had a calm but extremely serious expression on his face. Like this was no regular fan-visit. Like he meant business.
He spoke no words, for a second. He more so just stared at me, like he was observing and reading into my soul. It freaked me out for a second, but seeing Suho stare at me like that was strangely pleasurable so I just did it back to him until he just came out and said it.
"Suho_ftw, you've been a good girl. And a dedicated fan. I think you'd be perfect for this task I need you to do." He stated in perfect English with the same expression over his face.
At this I didn't respond, I just looked at him waiting for more.
"You see, I am a supreme being. Meaning that everyone else is beneath me and are in fact, supposed to worship me and do as I say." He gave me three facts why:
1. I have the ability to control water and could flood the Earth if I wanted too.
2. I can sing like an angel, even though I am better than angels.
3. I am incredibly hot.
"Shhh, just listen to me okay," he said placing one of his beautiful fair skinned fingers on my lips. "Sure I have a large fan base and so does EXO. But I am not that popular which is just saddening. I need you to spread my religion and greatness amongst the Kpop community and the world so that other people can know who the hell they should worshiping. And not the other fake gods of all the other religions."
"How do we do so?" I asked wanting to help him.
"Your blog, and book-writing skills could come in great handy." He said smiling slightly.
"Suho, my blog isn't that popular. But you're right about my book-writing skills." (Sorry to toot my own horn.)
"The underdogs always prevail in the end little one. Trust me, I was one of them."
"Your not OCD with me. You're just a big fan and I like that. Majority of my fans would piss their pants and then faint at the sight of me. You actually have ovaries and probably just thought of licking my balls or something because of my insane live hotness." He stated this so matter-of-factly and far from his usual Grandpa talk (oh don't give me that look Joonmyeon, you know its true.), it was sort of amusing to this.
"Accurate?" I say with a slow shrug and a ?_? face on. Suho chuckled warmly.
"Just be yourself, and worship me."
"I already do both. Now you should know, that only one other person knows that I am the supreme being. And he is not an EXO member, I've had to hide my greatness from everyone in that group for privacy reasons."
"Who is it?" I ask perking up a bit.
"Worship Suho, or get a fist up your anus."- Henry (Super Junior-M)
"Yeah me and him go way back. Basically if I am GOD then he is Jesus." He shrugs.
"Okay????" Then I thought of a joke. "So that means Kanye isn't?"
Suho didn't find this funny, and gave me a harsh stare. "You're offending me at the moment."
"I apologize your greatness." I say.
"You're forgiven." He states.
"What else do you need me to do?"
"Release the twelve commandments is the second task."
These are The Twelve Commandments:
1. Worship Suho and only Suho. Any other supreme being or God is invalid.
2. Spread peace and love throughout EXO's music
3. EXO's debut date is holy, therefore will be celebrated on the eighth of April every year for the rest of eternity.
4. Using my name in vain in prohibited for all eternity, so do not use my name in vain
5. You may only refer to me as Joonmyeon on the twenty-second of May for all eternity, and is only limited to my closest followers otherwise.
6. EXO will always be the greatest band in history, and no other band may ever surpass them for all eternity. However the bashing of other groups is strictly prohibited.
7. Calling me grandpa is okay, as long if used in jokingly matter
8. Henry's birthday (the eleventh of October) will be celebrated in which families get together, exchange presents, eat food, and worship Henry.
9. Every thursday, everyone is scheduled to attend a holy building where they will participate in the worshipping of Suho.
10. Jiyeon (aka my wife)'s birthday (the seventh of June) will be celebrated where bunny's supposedly lay eggs and you will find them. Then you will give the eggs to Jiyeon and she will make the skies fall with candy.
11. In the month of EXO's comebacks everyone will be forced to give up one thing for that one month period as a sacrifice to I, Suho, and EXO.
12. Since I am rich, money is not very much needed. However buying anything EXO related is a great way to show appreciation to I, Suho.
"Twelve Commandments, check!" I state finishing the scroll.
"Okay, and the last is to co-write a book with me and Henry about $uhology and also start up a holy building of worship for me called : The First Holy House of $uhology. SM Entertainment will be the headquarters."
"Sounds easy enough." I state.
Thank you for your time, Cha_Cha. Now spread this so other people may be awakened and knowledgeable about $uhology. And me, Suho, the one true deity."
"Yes all great and powerful Suho." I say bowing, and this begins the journey of $uhology.